I’ve contemplated starting a new blog but why abandon something I built? I left social media behind about 4 months ago (other than instagram) and have encountered the craziest and most fulfilling adventure of my life. It’s no secret, judging from the previous posts, that I was not in a good place emotionally and mentally. I look back on it now and see that it was a necessary fall so that I could come back up. I walked away from many people and some left my life; all were necessary losses.
I still don’t have a Facebook and even though I left this blog to get away from it all, I realized that this page is mine and mine alone. The people who choose to follow are following on their own accord. If anything I post bothers you then feel free to unfollow. That being said, I have a lot of new things to write down (if you’re willing to read and listen, then bless your heart and I hope that someone out there gets something out of what I have to say). Other than that… I’m back on this blog because I have a passion for writing and I enjoy having an outlet for expression.
So, onto better things…
There was a moment in Eat, Pray, Love where the main character expresses her lack of hunger for life and need for adventure. She states that since she was 14 she was either in a relationship or breaking up with a guy. When her friend says that she has friends who love her… she asks “Do you feel that love from me?” and in that small clip, I felt my heart sink…
I can tell you the moment my life changed… Early september (before my 27th birthday) all the bad decisions and lack of awareness was finally crashing down on me. I was going through a hell that I built on my own and the only person who could pull me out was me. My job was probably the only positive thing in my life at the time. I work as an artist mentor for adults with disabilities and that on its own is enough to sustain me with a lifetime of happiness, however I needed to find happiness within myself, which is what this post is about…
A beautiful woman who volunteers at my work, named Kathlynn, was having lunch with me one day. This woman is absolutely stunning, inside and out. She oozes this peaceful energy and grace that is absolutely captivating. I had mentioned to her how much I wanted to travel to India and learn to meditate. (Something that has always been on my bucket list) and she casually mentioned a deeksha group she belongs to. I took a chance and went to my first deeksha meditation circle and immediately felt the negative energy in my body start to release.
I had never been truly dedicated to anything in my life that involves spirituality or religion. I didn’t even think that it was something I needed or had been looking for. After that first deeksha, I had combined therapy, sacred chambers (karma clearing) and meditation as part of my everyday living.
Self awareness is a huge part of the study and although I am merely a beginner, I can already see the changes it has made in my life. There were both positive and negative traits in myself that I was blind to. There was an unforgiving selfishness in me that stemmed from years of repressed anger, a screwed up childhood and endless years of trying to fill the void with meaningless relationships. While on the opposite end of the spectrum, there were achievements I had accomplished that I refused to hold up proudly and continued to pull my self-worth down.
Now I can look back and smile at all the mistakes and struggles because they brought me here. I can also proudly look back at the things that I, and I alone, worked hard to achieve. Although it may have seemed like I was struggling to keep my head above water, drowning in all the muck of my life, I was actually powering through it all on my own. Barely two years ago I was leaving my husband of two years, with a part time job that could barely support me. Now, I support myself, living in a beautiful condo, driving a new car and do what I absolutely love to do for a living! What more could a girl ask for?
I can proudly say that in all that time, even though I was so lost in my own crap, I never once judged or hurt anyone intentionally. Now that I look back on how much pain I was in, I can sympathize even more to those around me who are suffering. I can’t sit and judge how they handle their lives and the best I can do is show kindness to everyone… It’s still a process and I am no where close to being where I need to be but I think that I will try and keep improving till I leave this earth.
It would seem that the law of attraction was on my side. I see the changes in my family, my friends and relationship with coworkers. To add onto that, as if I wasn’t blessed enough, I met someone who embodies everything that I had ever hoped for. For the first time ever I have someone who fits into my life instead of having to conform to theirs. This person who encourages me, inspires me and understands me. I honestly think that he would have never walked into my life it weren’t for all the things that had happened. The best part of it all is that I can live my life entirely as my own and him his… and we can meet in between as two whole people who just happen to make each other happy.
Aside from that, I began to explore more meditative and spiritual practices. I began meditating at home (although its difficult on my own). I’m eating healthier, spending more time to take care of myself, my home and the people I love. I participated in kirtan and it was wonderful. Finally, I found a church that I can finally call home.
This revelation is a huge turning point in my life. I had grown up in a home where church and God was forced onto me like an obligation. I looked at religion like shackles and God as a prison-guard watching my every move. Church and scripture had no useful messages for everyday life and I was discouraged to question anything. Everytime I had ever stepped foot in a church it was either by obligation or guilt.
Today, January 18, 2015… I will set foot into a church because I want to. We’ll see where this new adventure takes me. The church of Science of Mind might just be the home I’ve been looking for.