Cambodia Bound!

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Aaron and Jesi

Life is a wonderous thing. Two years ago I posted about wanting to leave the country and work in non-profits teaching art in Asia. Within those two years, the love of my life found me, I put my life together and in November, I’ll be in Cambodia doing exactly what I set out to do. I’ll be creating a new blog about my adventures and I’ll be sure to post the link here as well. It’s bittersweet to leave my job here and say good bye to all the wonderful individuals I mentor at Opportunity Village… but it’s time to turn the page of the next chapter. I have learned so much and I can’t wait to see how much more I grow with this new opportunity.

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This is not a new chapter… it’s an entirely new book.

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I’ve contemplated starting a new blog but why abandon something I built? I left social media behind about 4 months ago (other than instagram) and have encountered the craziest and most fulfilling adventure of my life. It’s no secret, judging from the previous posts, that I was not in a good place emotionally and mentally. I look back on it now and see that it was a necessary fall so that I could come back up. I walked away from many people and some left my life; all were necessary losses. 

I still don’t have a Facebook and even though I left this blog to get away from it all, I realized that this page is mine and mine alone. The people who choose to follow are following on their own accord. If anything I post bothers you then feel free to unfollow. That being said, I have a lot of new things to write down (if you’re willing to read and listen, then bless your heart and I hope that someone out there gets something out of what I have to say). Other than that… I’m back on this blog because I have a passion for writing and I enjoy having an outlet for expression. 

So, onto better things…

There was a moment in Eat, Pray, Love where the main character expresses her lack of hunger for life and need for adventure. She states that since she was 14 she was either in a relationship or breaking up with a guy. When her friend says that she has friends who love her… she asks “Do you feel that love from me?” and in that small clip, I felt my heart sink…

I can tell you the moment my life changed… Early september (before my 27th birthday) all the bad decisions and lack of awareness was finally crashing down on me. I was going through a hell that I built on my own and the only person who could pull me out was me. My job was probably the only positive thing in my life at the time. I work as an artist mentor for adults with disabilities and that on its own is enough to sustain me with a lifetime of happiness, however I needed to find happiness within myself, which is what this post is about…

A beautiful woman who volunteers at my work, named Kathlynn, was having lunch with me one day. This woman is absolutely stunning, inside and out. She oozes this peaceful energy and grace that is absolutely captivating. I had mentioned to her how much I wanted to travel to India and learn to meditate. (Something that has always been on my bucket list) and she casually mentioned a deeksha group she belongs to. I took a chance and went to my first deeksha meditation circle and immediately felt the negative energy in my body start to release.

I had never been truly dedicated to anything in my life that involves spirituality or religion. I didn’t even think that it was something I needed or had been looking for. After that first deeksha, I had combined therapy, sacred chambers (karma clearing) and meditation as part of my everyday living.

Self awareness is a huge part of the study and although I am merely a beginner, I can already see the changes it has made in my life. There were both positive and negative traits in myself that I was blind to. There was an unforgiving selfishness in me that stemmed from years of repressed anger, a screwed up childhood and endless years of trying to fill the void with meaningless relationships. While on the opposite end of the spectrum, there were achievements I had accomplished that I refused to hold up proudly and continued to pull my self-worth down.

Now I can look back and smile at all the mistakes and struggles because they brought me here. I can also proudly look back at the things that I, and I alone, worked hard to achieve. Although it may have seemed like I was struggling to keep my head above water, drowning in all the muck of my life, I was actually powering through it all on my own. Barely two years ago I was leaving my husband of two years, with a part time job that could barely support me. Now, I support myself, living in a beautiful condo, driving a new car and do what I absolutely love to do for a living! What more could a girl ask for?

I can proudly say that in all that time, even though I was so lost in my own crap, I never once judged or hurt anyone intentionally. Now that I look back on how much pain I was in, I can sympathize even more to those around me who are suffering. I can’t sit and judge how they handle their lives and the best I can do is show kindness to everyone… It’s still a process and I am no where close to being where I need to be but I think that I will try and keep improving till I leave this earth.

It would seem that the law of attraction was on my side. I see the changes in my family, my friends and relationship with coworkers. To add onto that, as if I wasn’t blessed enough, I met someone who embodies everything that I had ever hoped for. For the first time ever I have someone who fits into my life instead of having to conform to theirs. This person who encourages me, inspires me and understands me. I honestly think that he would have never walked into my life it weren’t for all the things that had happened. The best part of it all is that I can live my life entirely as my own and him his… and we can meet in between as two whole people who just happen to make each other happy.

Aside from that, I began to explore more meditative and spiritual practices. I began meditating at home (although its difficult on my own). I’m eating healthier, spending more time to take care of myself, my home and the people I love. I participated in kirtan and it was wonderful. Finally, I found a church that I can finally call home.

This revelation is a huge turning point in my life. I had grown up in a home where church and God was forced onto me like an obligation. I looked at religion like shackles and God as a prison-guard watching my every move. Church and scripture had no useful messages for everyday life and I was discouraged to question anything. Everytime I had ever stepped foot in a church it was either by obligation or guilt.

Today, January 18, 2015… I will set foot into a church because I want to. We’ll see where this new adventure takes me. The church of Science of Mind might just be the home I’ve been looking for.

Namaste. 

Lies of comfort

I am growing tired of everyone’s words of comfort. I keep getting told that there is someone out there for everyone but is that necessarily true? I think that we’re all just as incompatible, just depends on how much shit we can deal with. There are always going to be hard times, obstacles and personal crap that gets in the way. I had a relationship where I would have put up with a lot because I “loved” the person enough but the feeling wasn’t mutual. At the very end of it all, it just means that they can see chances of finding someone better -someone who they are more willing to put up with than you. Hurts doesn’t it?

So with all this “glass is half empty” stuff -I began to recall a moment when I was eight. My mom had a friend over at our apartment and I was playing on the patio. I could hear them through the screen door. Her friend said, “Your daughter is so quiet. It’s amazing how well she can play contently all by herself.” My mom sighed, “She’s always been that way, ever since she was a baby, always alone. It scares me a little.”

This memory stuck. Maybe everyone’s words of comfort is just simply… words of comfort. Not all of us are meant to find someone, have a family and grow old together. Some of us are just simply meant to be alone.

This is no pity party, trust me. It is a simple realization that maybe, just maybe, I’m not meant to be someone’s wife or mother. That all my emotional energy should just be directed toward my career and my passions. I’m afraid that once I learn (or should I say, relearn) how to be alone… that I will find it all too comforting and familiar. Like that little girl, I might just be perfectly content on my own.

What goes up…

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I’m at a point where I am wondering what I’m even sad about. I am struggling to keep this smile on my face and the longer I feel pained by everything, the more pathetic I feel. I’m giving this person who could care less about me, all this energy and thought. I know that I never cross their mind. I’m trying so damn hard to be happy. My birthday was on Saturday. It was good and showed me who my true friends really are, but at some point – the truth has to crawl its way out of your throat. Alcohol kicked in and the very little strength I had drowned. I missed him (the idea of him). I had a whole other image of what my birthday would be like. I imagined him there, holding me steady as I stumbled through the crowd. I imagined him gently brushing my hair behind my ear and smiling down at me, telling me loves me with that damn charming smile. My skin crawled when strange men danced against me because it wasn’t him and somewhere he was probably doing the same thing with some girl he just met but enjoying every moment. I danced, I drank, I feigned a smile and tried to ignore the hurt. Whenever I had a moment to think or sit back, I would look around and wished he would be walking toward me. Like it was all just a bad dream. I ended up crying in the bathroom like some pathetic preteen, but I wasn’t, I am a 27 year old woman. My best friends hugged me and wiped away the streaked mascara. I kept apologizing. I was ruining everyone else’s night because I couldn’t keep my shit under control. They just looked at me and said, “You fell in love. There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

I don’t know who I fell in love with. I don’t know why I fell in the first place because I think back on everything and see just how little he cared. I have never cried this much over anyone, never given this much of myself to another person and I can’t ever do it again. When I lost him I wondered how he could be so strong, how could he forget me so easily? Now I don’t wonder because I’m the only one crying. I’m the only one mourning. I’m the only one falling apart.

I’m the only one who fell in love.
And he watched me crash.

Quote

The most beautiful advice…

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“Note to self: No more second guessing. No more benefit of the doubt. No more hoping he’s a better man than his repeated actions reveal. Even if he wants to be, he’s just not today, and we both know that’s not what your tender, healing heart needs. The love you want can’t be built upon a foundation of deceit; and, if he can’t be honest with himself today, he is not capable of being honest with you. (You learned this lesson already –remember it!) It’s okay to be sad and disappointed and even mad at him (for a little while) about his lies and lack of integrity; but when you’re ready –better sooner than later –accept it, release him and move on. There is no one who is as he seems –with no masks, no pretending to be more than he is –just a man you can believe because he’s honest with himself and with you. He’s beautiful –failures, flaws and all. You’ll know him when the time comes. And, listen closely now… he’s the one who can be trusted with your heart because he sees and values –cherishes –the treasure that it is. I know you haven’t experienced that just yet, but you will. You’ll know it when you feel it, and you will cherish his heart, too.” -lcc

One year of dating sobriety starts now

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In less than 2 days I turn 27. I remember when my older sister turned 27 and I was only 17. She seemed like she had it all figured out and I was just an overzealous teenager who couldn’t wait to graduate high school and “start living”. I pictured 27 so differently back then -I thought I would be married (not divorced) with kids and some swanky career. (I have the cool job at least, silver lining right?)

The last two years has been an emotional roller coaster ride and I am beyond exhausted. I’ve decided that its time to detox and start living life for me and the things that make me happy.

Since I was 15, I was either in a relationship or breaking up with someone. I’m aware that there are single women out there rolling their eyes at me right now but please bare with me… I did not go seeking these romances out. Maybe I was too cavalier with my heart but with no more than three months after a break up, I was with someone else. Note that I never truly loved them the way I thought I did at the time. (My recent heart break taught me that!)

There must be some serious emotional and psychological damages to spending my entire adult life preoccupied by another person. I think I know myself well enough but how can I truly know me, if I haven’t ever spent time alone?

My birthday is coming and I’m sorry to the 17 year old me -but I am single, barely have my shit together and just now taking time to “find myself”.

I’m slowly learning that life is not a race to get to the house with a white picket fence. First of all, I don’t want that stupid house. Who knows what I want? I sure as hell don’t know.

For now, I am swearing off men for a full year, maybe more. I’m getting to that point where I’m not sure if I’m sad because I miss him or because I’m just not used to being single. I’m taking time off school, saying no to extra side work and projects, finishing up freelance work that have been put off and after all that, I have three months of freedom.

I am going to dedicate this time to painting and writing (and work of course, this gal’s gotta buy her daily dose of overpriced coffee). We’ll see where this takes me and who I’ll be at the end of this adventure. All I know is that in a year, I’ll have another book (or two) published, enough paintings to start exhibiting again and a stronger me.

WISH ME LUCK.

Book 2 Mock up Cover!

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So this is just a mock up but it’s the general idea for Unraveled. I am so excited.

mockupcover

Keep on keeping on

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Feeling good tonight. I’ve come to several conclusions, all of which basically says that I’ll be fine… better than fine in fact. “This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something” Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat Pray Love. I am so inspired and I know that amazing things will come of this.