I should forewarn you that if you’re reading this post, you are in store for some emotional ranting and that since I’m a woman, it might be of the above average sort. If you’re still there, then bless your heart for continuing or damn, you must be truly bored.
As I’ve posted before, I am not in the happiest marriage in the world. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t one of the reasons I started writing “Unspoken”. I have always been deeply involved in art from painting, drawing, guitar playing and writing. I used to think that the saddest points in my life were the most inspiring and the best work would come out during those times but I never realized how paralyzing pain can get. I’m barely twenty five years young and I’m in a position (I would imagine) much older married women experience.
Sure, it takes two to destroy a relationship but it just seems like I’m not asking for much. I’m not really sure what writing this post will do but become a bucket for word vomit. To go straight to the point, I’m deprived of romance and passion and being a very passionate person myself, it’s a difficult life to live. At this point many of you might be wondering why I’m still with him… there are many reasons, none of which involve being in love… I love his family, they are beautiful and kind people. Also fear. I fear that this is as good as it gets and that leaving would just lead me into another bad relationship. At this point I just want to be alone. I’ve never just wanted to be alone.
I used to dream of the moment I truly fell in love and got married. I even had realistic expectations, I knew things wouldn’t be easy and that fights would happen but I always thought that I would be in a relationship filled with passion. I never thought someone could feel so lonely and deprived specially when you see the person you live with everyday. I never thought loneliness was part of my ever after, specially barely a year into our marriage.
All of this might be the reason why the words refuse to come, why my book is on a stand still and I feel less and less inspired. My life in itself is on a stand still and my stagnant relationship has left my vision of the future more and more blurred. I used to have dreams of adventure and successes and now those dreams have faded. It’s so difficult to stay motivated when the person you’re anchored to has no motivation of their own. I’ve tried speaking to him, over and over, nothing seems to change except it seems he cares less to fix things because I’ve pushed. Now, I’ve done the opposite of push, instead my heart is miles away.