Please forgive me for posting so many damn sad posts but thats pretty much all I feel these days. I know this blog is for my writing process but there really is no process to write about. I almost want to start a new project and just go back to my book later but I feel like I’m abandoning it. Mostly, it hurts to write the story right now. I didn’t realize it much when I started it but the book was my escape and now it’s just a tease that dangles in front of me while I sit trapped in the reality of my life.
I feel awful that these thoughts are running around in my head but I can’t help it. Thoughts of escaping, leaving, running away… from him. I went out for dinner with my sister tonight and a man came and sat at the sushi bar, he heard me talking to someone else about art. I was showing my drawings and I saw his eyes light up, he kept glancing over, smiling and laughing at my jokes. He was my type, handsome, tattoos and obvious interest in art. I knew if I was single, I would have sparked a conversation with him but instead I bit my lip and left. The fact that I’m pining over a complete stranger is just even more pathetic. I’m like a starved child that just saw cupcakes through a bakery window and I can’t go inside. It’s the worse feeling to be deprived of passion and romance. I have never felt so empty and hollow inside. This feeling has left me so bitter and its making me so cynical about everything. Is it possible to be sucked lifeless by loneliness? Better yet, is it possible to feel so alone and be married?
I should just shut my mouth, be happy with what I have and be grateful that my husband isn’t a drug addict or out screwing other women but honestly, I don’t think that’s the best way to hold onto a relationship. Saying, “It could be worse” is possibly the most pathetic excuse to stay with someone because the words I’m not saying are, “It could be better… much better.” Oh, I don’t know anymore. This is my rant, its me venting and I don’t expect anyone to really give a damn. I’m sure there are people who are in far worse situations than me and I’m thankful for that. I just really hope this subsides really soon -writing my novel is difficult with this lingering heart ache.