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Here it goes…

I have suffered from depression for a good majority of my life. It has affected a lot of my life and relationships. One in particular ended not too long ago. Sadly, I did turn for help recently hoping that this step toward recovery would give me more time. I’ve only had one therapy session and one week later… the love of my life left me. 

I had run out of time. I got help too late. 

My second session is today. I’m hoping with all my heart that this is worth the time and effort. I thought having depression was hard but I never realized it was even harder to confront it. But how do you find happiness when you just experienced a big loss? 

Not many people in my life knew that I had been going through this for so long. I finally confided in him, that everyday it was a struggle to wake up. I thought he understood how much it took for me to tell him this secret. I was never overly outgoing but I managed. Erik had brought so much of that light out of me and I found myself being far more social than before. I was little more comfortable in my skin and this was a step forward. 

Yes, it is hard to be with someone who suffers from this and I’m slowly learning that love is never enough. I look back and think about how loved I was and I still can’t believe he chose to go on without me… I really thought he loved me more than that. 

My first session, my therapist didn’t talk very much. He just listened. He asked me a question that made me look at my entire life differently. “Have you ever felt like you were a part of something? Like you truly belonged?” 

We learn in psychology, that some of the basic human needs are air, water and human interaction. This sense of belonging and affection. We need these things as much as the air we breath. 

He ended our session with, “Maybe the reason you’re here is because your boyfriend is the first person who ever made you feel like you belonged somewhere… maybe this is why you’re finally trying to fix things.”

I’m sitting here wondering what in the world am I going to tell my therapist later tonight? My first session I said that the final push to send me to therapy is that I didn’t want this to ruin my relationship. Any other time I would have just let it fall apart but this one I wanted so badly to work.

The first place I had ever belonged is gone. 

 All my life I was told that no one will ever stick around. That they will always give up on me.

I just wish he wasn’t one of them.