Lastly,

Two weeks and I’ve reached my limit. I am a woman, four days from twenty seven, and I am barely finding out who I truly am. I’m not even sure I like who this person is. I am imperfect, insecure, overly passionate and too ornery for my own good. I fell in love for the very first time and I am slowly seeing how stupid that was on my part. I gave my entirety to someone so undeserving, when I had so little of myself to give. I fell for a boy who had nothing to his name, but I was so blinded by love, that all I wanted in return was that.

So what now? Learn to love myself seems to be everyone’s answer. Well, that’s far harder to do but I am up for the task. The idea that it takes love from another person to justify my self worth and assure lifelong happiness is ridiculous. Please know that this is not my jaded side talking.

I used to think there was a right or wrong way to love… the older I get the more I see that LOVING is loving. That everyone that makes it to their golden years with a partner has had their fair share of shit, some worse than others.

Here is my goodbye. 

If you couldn’t stick through this hurdle with me… If in fact, the unhappiness for the short period of time, isn’t worth a lifelong relationship with me… Then you were not the man I thought you were and you are undeserving of the love I had to offer. I stuck through so much with you, took care of you and supported you as best as I could. Yet when it was your turn to do so for me, you left. You spend your nights drinking it all away, overdosing on social stimulation, meaningless flirtations and carelessly slipping into immature self destruction. I hope this is what you wanted and I detest that I was mere a speed bump on your journey. Goodbye, my very own beautiful disaster.

It’s time to write. Time to paint. It’s time to travel. It’s time for me. 

Writing & Bucket Lists

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I have an obligation to finish the series and write Unravelled and Unconditional next, but my heart isn’t there right now. I’d rather write something worth reading than something I slapped together to meet a deadline.

What sucks is that I have two other stories going on in my head. Dysphoria (which is now looking less and less appealing to write) and an untitled book that is my “dream” novel to complete. This untitled book, I’ve been wanting to write since I was a teenager and I’m afraid of ruining such a cool story.

On a lighter note: I’ve been checking off bucket list things! I got my nose pierced, something I’ve wanted to do since I was 14. Now I feel whole. I found out from a coworker/friend that a group of people offer free ASL sessions every wednesday and that’s something I’ll be getting into. It’s been a dream to learn ASL and after one session, I already learned so much! It’s exciting to check things off the list.

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What is left to say?

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I have been on quite an emotional adventure. It’s been the extremes of ups and downs in such a short period of time. I deleted my Facebook (changed the password to some obscure word that I can’t remember, to assure I’ll never go back) I’m cutting portions of my life away to make room for ME. I was so consumed with keeping busy, saying yes to every project that came my way and doing it all… now I just want to work, come home to paint and write.

It’s a curious thing isn’t it? How different we all are. The way we grieve, the way we love and the way we move on from things. I wish I was the type that forgets quickly. The person who can distract themselves and do frivolous things to pass the time, until I can’t feel any longer.

I’m learning slowly to find beauty in the things I do and the things I am. It was difficult for the longest time to find worth in myself and even more difficult now… when the only man in the world who said to me “I wish you could see the things I see, maybe then you’ll love yourself more…” leaves – it makes the journey to finding self worth even more difficult.

I am enjoying the freedom, however. Although it is frightening to the bone to have a blank future ahead of me, the excitement of painting a new life brings a glimmer hope. For the first time in my life I had something I was so sure of. I began to draw in parts of my future with ink. The husband, the kids and the family we’d share. Now, I have to paint over that image and it is taking many layers to hide it.

As time progresses I wonder less and less why he left, 
and instead I wonder why he ever came.

The third day

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I had my session with my therapist last night and I didn’t feel like we made much progress. I think the sudden turn of events didn’t help. He couldn’t really hide the expression that came with the “he left me” announcement. He commended that I was still going, at least it shows that I am trying to get better for myself. He asked about future relationships and I felt my stomach turn… the thought of someone else touching me the way he did didn’t sit right with me. 

I woke up this morning the same way I woke up yesterday. I couldn’t be alone so I slept on someone’s couch. (The more I type the more pathetic I sound) Anyways, I opened my eyes and it was like everything came crashing at me like a tidal wave. I cried and I wanted to call out for him, call him or anything. I was so used to talking to him everyday and now he’s just gone. 

What I can’t wrap my head around is the “I still love you.” comment. I have always found it so difficult to believe that anyone could ever love me and when I finally started to believe someone could… they left. 

 

Nothing hurts more than knowing that the person you can’t live without could easily live without you. 

When I needed you most…

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Here it goes…

I have suffered from depression for a good majority of my life. It has affected a lot of my life and relationships. One in particular ended not too long ago. Sadly, I did turn for help recently hoping that this step toward recovery would give me more time. I’ve only had one therapy session and one week later… the love of my life left me. 

I had run out of time. I got help too late. 

My second session is today. I’m hoping with all my heart that this is worth the time and effort. I thought having depression was hard but I never realized it was even harder to confront it. But how do you find happiness when you just experienced a big loss? 

Not many people in my life knew that I had been going through this for so long. I finally confided in him, that everyday it was a struggle to wake up. I thought he understood how much it took for me to tell him this secret. I was never overly outgoing but I managed. Erik had brought so much of that light out of me and I found myself being far more social than before. I was little more comfortable in my skin and this was a step forward. 

Yes, it is hard to be with someone who suffers from this and I’m slowly learning that love is never enough. I look back and think about how loved I was and I still can’t believe he chose to go on without me… I really thought he loved me more than that. 

My first session, my therapist didn’t talk very much. He just listened. He asked me a question that made me look at my entire life differently. “Have you ever felt like you were a part of something? Like you truly belonged?” 

We learn in psychology, that some of the basic human needs are air, water and human interaction. This sense of belonging and affection. We need these things as much as the air we breath. 

He ended our session with, “Maybe the reason you’re here is because your boyfriend is the first person who ever made you feel like you belonged somewhere… maybe this is why you’re finally trying to fix things.”

I’m sitting here wondering what in the world am I going to tell my therapist later tonight? My first session I said that the final push to send me to therapy is that I didn’t want this to ruin my relationship. Any other time I would have just let it fall apart but this one I wanted so badly to work.

The first place I had ever belonged is gone. 

 All my life I was told that no one will ever stick around. That they will always give up on me.

I just wish he wasn’t one of them.

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So many things!

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I am your typical, annoying, busy bee. I can’t focus on one thing and I absolutely have to kill myself with a million projects. I was going to school, working two jobs, freelancing on weekends, writing a book and trying to have a social life. This was no bueno. I was getting sick every month, gaining stress weight, constantly irritable and found very little time for important things… like relaxing!

I finally did it. I dropped two of my classes (no matter how shitty that made me feel) it had to be done. I put my freelance business on hold and took a mini-vacation to California. I met with a lovely friend and fellow busy bee. She took photos of me, we laughed, I cried (mental break down needed) and we ate sushi. It was wonderful.

It opened up my eyes to things I’ve been missing out on during my stress rampage. My health and relationships were suffering. Hopefully with the slight amount of free time I allowed myself, I can finish writing Unraveled. I owe it to the handful of people who took the time to read Unspoken.

I haven’t put forth much effort into advertising or marketing my book simply because, I just don’t care about that. I cared about writing it and getting those thoughts out of my head. The care for book sales or profit just isn’t there. I do however LOVE seeing reviews and people adding it on goodreads! That brings so much joy to me and I can’t begin to express how grateful I am toward the few readers I have!

I have so much more to share and finally have the time to update. I can’t wait to get back to it!

 

Important Infrequently Used Words To Know

A wonderful list for writers!

Just English

Paul V. Hartman

(The Capitalized syllable gets the emphasis)

A

alacrity       a-LACK-ra-tee      cheerful willingness and promptness
anathema       a-NATH-a-ma      a thing or person cursed, banned, or reviled
anodyne       AN-a-dine      not likely to cause offence or disagreement and somewhat dull//anything that sooths or comforts
aphorism      AFF-oar-ism      a short, witty saying or concise principle
apostate       ah-POSS-tate       (also:  apostasy)      person who has left the fold or deserted the faith.
arrogate      ARROW-gate      to make an unreasonable claim
atavistic     at-a-VIS-tic      reverting to a primitive type
avuncular      a-VUNC-you-lar      “like an uncle”; benevolent

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When life gets too crazy…

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I have no one to blame but myself, I will admit.

I have completely slacked on my 2nd book and it isn’t due to the lack of motivation but due to the lack of time. I got a new job and it is AMAZING. I now work for a non-profit organization that caters toward adults with disabilities. I work in their Fine Art program and I mentor clients who are now professional working artists! It’s so rewarding, inspiring and down right the best experience I have ever had. I have received more hours from work and that adding on top of school, I have had barely any time to breathe, let alone sit and write a novel. All of these led to me having to push the publication date back once again.

I feel awful and to my few readers I do guarantee that book 2 is still coming out. I promise. Specially with how I left Unspoken hanging, I’m sure its torture to not know what is happening with Liam and Jane. Don’t you worry your beautiful heads off… so far… they’re okay. (Ok I might be lying since I do seem to like torturing my characters).

Anyways, I hope to pop in more and maybe share a few of my work experiences here. I will be going on vacation in the beginning of May and I have plans to sit at my laptop (on the beach) and write. I can’t wait to get back into the grind! I hope all is well in the land of wordpress!

Just me saying hello!

Life changes & New Chapters

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Christmas is almost here and the older I get, the less magical it feels. I haven’t written in forever due to my schedule. Since the divorce, I’ve been going to school and working full time. All factors have stood in the way of writing (cue the little tiny violin). I work at a family portrait studio, therefore, I loathe the holidays! People are so mean during Christmas. Sadly, I’ve had to push the release date of Unravelled a couple of months.

On a more positive note… I got an amazing job that will start in January. I will be an Art Mentor for Opportunity Village. This is pretty much a dream job! I get to help others while teaching/doing what I am most passionate about. Who could ask for more?

I have felt truly blessed this last month. I can now see that when things go crashing, there is always a way back up. I’ve met someone who makes me truly happy and although I can’t say this is forever- I know it’s a new chapter I am glad to move on to.

I’m hoping that with this new job coming up, I can save up some money to travel. When book three comes, I want to do some research and go to London. Fingers crossed*

London Polaroid Transfer