I have been on quite an emotional adventure. It’s been the extremes of ups and downs in such a short period of time. I deleted my Facebook (changed the password to some obscure word that I can’t remember, to assure I’ll never go back) I’m cutting portions of my life away to make room for ME. I was so consumed with keeping busy, saying yes to every project that came my way and doing it all… now I just want to work, come home to paint and write.
It’s a curious thing isn’t it? How different we all are. The way we grieve, the way we love and the way we move on from things. I wish I was the type that forgets quickly. The person who can distract themselves and do frivolous things to pass the time, until I can’t feel any longer.
I’m learning slowly to find beauty in the things I do and the things I am. It was difficult for the longest time to find worth in myself and even more difficult now… when the only man in the world who said to me “I wish you could see the things I see, maybe then you’ll love yourself more…” leaves – it makes the journey to finding self worth even more difficult.
I am enjoying the freedom, however. Although it is frightening to the bone to have a blank future ahead of me, the excitement of painting a new life brings a glimmer hope. For the first time in my life I had something I was so sure of. I began to draw in parts of my future with ink. The husband, the kids and the family we’d share. Now, I have to paint over that image and it is taking many layers to hide it.
As time progresses I wonder less and less why he left,
and instead I wonder why he ever came.