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I’m at a point where I am wondering what I’m even sad about. I am struggling to keep this smile on my face and the longer I feel pained by everything, the more pathetic I feel. I’m giving this person who could care less about me, all this energy and thought. I know that I never cross their mind. I’m trying so damn hard to be happy. My birthday was on Saturday. It was good and showed me who my true friends really are, but at some point – the truth has to crawl its way out of your throat. Alcohol kicked in and the very little strength I had drowned. I missed him (the idea of him). I had a whole other image of what my birthday would be like. I imagined him there, holding me steady as I stumbled through the crowd. I imagined him gently brushing my hair behind my ear and smiling down at me, telling me loves me with that damn charming smile. My skin crawled when strange men danced against me because it wasn’t him and somewhere he was probably doing the same thing with some girl he just met but enjoying every moment. I danced, I drank, I feigned a smile and tried to ignore the hurt. Whenever I had a moment to think or sit back, I would look around and wished he would be walking toward me. Like it was all just a bad dream. I ended up crying in the bathroom like some pathetic preteen, but I wasn’t, I am a 27 year old woman. My best friends hugged me and wiped away the streaked mascara. I kept apologizing. I was ruining everyone else’s night because I couldn’t keep my shit under control. They just looked at me and said, “You fell in love. There’s nothing to be sorry about.”
I don’t know who I fell in love with. I don’t know why I fell in the first place because I think back on everything and see just how little he cared. I have never cried this much over anyone, never given this much of myself to another person and I can’t ever do it again. When I lost him I wondered how he could be so strong, how could he forget me so easily? Now I don’t wonder because I’m the only one crying. I’m the only one mourning. I’m the only one falling apart.
I’m the only one who fell in love.
And he watched me crash.